So far the new year has sparked an intense desire in me to rearrange and redecorate our spare room. Sure, it’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m filing this under “wedding-related task.” Because people are coming to visit us this year, and we are getting married this year. And I don’t know, but something about getting married makes me feel like we are contractually obligated to act like adults. Neither of us is quite sure what being an adult is all about, but I suspect that it does not involve taping photographs to the walls.* I suspect it involves hammering nails into the walls and hanging respectable pictures** in respectable frames, in a respectable manner.
In the process of utterly destroying and completely reorganizing the contents of the spare room, I rediscovered The Bride’s Year Ahead: The Ultimate Month-By-Month Wedding Planner. Oh yes, so we meet again. I cracked it open to the tab labeled “Nine Months Ahead,” to see what it is that I should be doing this month. Here is the to-do list:
- Choose a theme.
- Select table linens.
- Rent or buy decorations.
- Select invitations and announcements.
Fascinating. I mostly want to know where specifically they think I should store all the decorations for the next nine months, because some of their ideas for “designer props” are really large and unwieldy. To wit:
- plaster, resin, and plastic columns
- latticework screens, arbors, and gazebos
- fountains
- balloon arches and sculptures
- handpainted runners for the church aisle
- doves (live birds to be released during your exit or entrance)
- decorated birdcages
- butterflies to be released at the reception
- custom table toppers in floral prints, lace, damask, or jacquard, with fabric swags for banquet tables
- classical urns and statuary
Classical urns and statuary. Just like a trip to the cemetery.
I can’t believe what a bubble I’m living in. Here in my tiny wedding universe things like woodblock lettering, mismatched bridesmaid dresses, prop mustaches on sticks, bunting, and succulents in thrifted old teacups are the norm. And then The Bride’s Year Ahead busts in with a line like “Chancery-style lettering, similar to that found on the Declaration of Independence, is popular, not just because it is endorsed by tradition, but also because it uses little space.” Oh really. I didn’t even realize that people sent invitations that looked like this anymore. Guess it pairs well with the plaster, resin, or plastic columns. I heard those don’t use a lot of space either.
But The Bride’s Year Ahead thinks you should contemplate beautifying more than just the ceremony and reception site. “If the ladies room at your catering hall is less than luxurious, then consider decorating the counter with a beautiful piece of fabric and a gift basket stocked with sample soaps and lotions. This will make your guests feel appreciated, and make your wedding one they’ll remember!”
Um. Sorry, but no. It is a bathroom. People are going in there to pee, not lavish themselves in luxury. The goal is to get your business done, quickly, and then come back outside where it’s fun. Anybody who is going to look back and exclaim, wow, that bathroom was gorgeous and that lavender hand soap was heaven, what an incredible wedding! is not the kind of person who is even getting invited to my big special day.
I’m supposed to select a wedding theme this month, anyway. I think my theme is going to be: Nobody Cares If The Bathroom Is Ugly.
Sweet. Now I need to get back to work on handpainting that aisle runner.
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* Oh hai, college.
** I am counting the 1960s reproduction print of red poppies in a vase (irony!) that I got for a dollar at a yard sale in rural Michigan ten years ago as a respectable picture, despite the fact that the beau vehemently disagrees.*** Whatever. At least it’s out of the living room now.
*** I told my mom about this and she said, “Maybe when he was a child his parents put him in a field of red poppies and tried to take his picture, and he’s hated red poppies ever since.” Yeah. My mom, the armchair psychologist.
How much cooler if your theme was ugly bathrooms? That would really show them 😉
I store my fountains, columns, and doves in the front yard. The neighbors love it, and it makes for a fun conversation when friends stop by. I’m with you: I love me some scented soap, but if someone says that was the best part of the wedding, they can go hang out with the extra lattice work by the dumpster.
I once went to a wedding that had monogrammed paper towels in the bathroom. It was cute. It’s something I remember since I hadn’t seen anything like that before. But I also remember that after I used it to dry off my hands and wipe away the sweat from my brow, cleavage, and pits, I threw it away. Oh, then I rushed back to the dance floor because they were playing my jamz. But yea, cute paper towels they were.