Oh, the questions. So many are running rampant through my head today.
- Why did I finally cave in and buy the skinny jeans with the tapered ankles? The kind I hadn’t worn since 7th grade? The kind I’ve mocked relentlessly since they became popular again? Yeah, OK, so they make you look sleek and trim. If you’re a size 2. On me? My thighs resemble two sausage links in a stretch denim casing. And not even the good kind of sausage. I’m talking the industrial-grade gray logs found languishing in many a school and corrections facility cafeteria. You want some canned gravy with that?
- What the heck does our caterer have against our guests drinking booze during the ceremony? Ah yes, he thinks it will make things get out of control and it will be difficult to corral them and make them sit down. That’s right, because it’s not like the courtyard is an enclosed space or anything, and furthermore it’s safe to assume that upon taking that very first sip of alcohol they will completely lose their minds, strip the tablecloths from the reception tables, and set off down the street in a spontaneous toga party parade, very likely setting small fires along the way. You know, I’ve seen booze successfully consumed at two wedding ceremonies thus far, and I like the casual-community-gathering feel it imbues — I want our guests to be able to laugh and relax and toast us. On the flip side, serving alcohol during the ceremony — even if it is just pre-poured glasses of cheap wine — amounts to buying more alcohol, which amounts to spending more money. Should I fight for this one, or just throw in the towel?
- Can one develop a meaningful relationship with cheese? If so, I am having a dizzying fling with Trader Joe’s sharp cheddar pub cheese. Do they actually serve this at real pubs? Is it OK to pretend that I’m at a pub when I eat it? Even though I am not at a pub, I am standing in my kitchen at home, and I am desperately seeking out something salty and cheesy to distract me from the fact that HOLY CRAP, THE GOVERNMENT IS TAKING ALL MY MONEY?*
- Can we please ban Queen’s “We Will Rock You” and Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll (Part 2)” from all sports arenas? Because seriously. Just seriously.**
- How are you supposed to go about finding somebody to marry you when a) you don’t really identify with a particular religion, and b) you don’t really know a suitable friend or family member? I downloaded the list of local officiants from the county clerk, and maybe 1/5 of them have websites listed. Roughly half of them even have email addresses. So do I just pick a name at random, call them up, and be like: Yo, spin me a sample of ur ceremonial beatz? I dunno. Maybe I can at least narrow down the options via the list’s helpful “notes” column that details such important information as which officiant is a “Christian Spiritualist,” which can do “Incarcerated ceremonies,” which is the “Former Lompoc Mayor,” and which is a “Sea Captain.” Sea captain? Sold!
- Miller Lite commercials can go to hell. They can go to hell and die.***
- Oh, that’s not really a question. Hmm.
- Should I be alarmed at the beau’s eagerness to try a KFC Double Down sandwich? Would you try a Double Down sandwich? I totally would… if it wasn’t from KFC.
- I hate money.
- Oh shit, that’s not a question either.
- Gah. I give up.
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* Estimated tax payments for the self-employed are due 4/15, 6/15, 9/15, and 1/15. Which means I have to make THREE tax payments in the coming five months, while I’m trying to save for the wedding. FML.
** Oh, but I do enjoy when they get creative. Like during a hockey game, when a player from the home team gets sent to the penalty box, and they play Weezer’s “Say it Ain’t So?” Relative obscurity FTW!
*** In that order.
FORMER LOMPOC MAYOR???? which one???? that is hilarious and if it wasn’t something as serious as, you know, your wedding, i would totally encourage you to go with that officiant for the amusement factor.
You’re in my brain today, and I am terrified. Except for the skinny jeans, which I keep trying on and realizing STILL make me look like two sausages. And we’re doing booze pre-ceremony. I’ve seen it done marvelously several times and our friends need something to do in between when the buses drop them off and the ceremony starts. Besides the lawn games (which we will also have.) And as for the cheese, I can’t help you. I ate a hunk of reduced fat cheddar sharp cheddar last night and regretted it. Now you’re making me crave the TJs version, which I KNOW must be better. See, you’re in my brain. Don’t give up though, because I need the commiseration.
1. i bought skinny jeans becuase i think skinny girls look so cute in them. i however also have sausage legs. in the end, bad purchase.
2. people can drink and have fun and not go nuts sorry the caterer is giving you a hard time
3. the answer is yes. cheese is totally awesome
4. agreed
5. our officiant is a friend who got a one day license. i recommend that if you can do that where you live (I live in mass)
6. agreed. also olive garden and those horrible ads with the cartoon bears using toilet paper
7.-
8. i am also grossly intrigued by this sandwich. of course this is why i have sausage legs
9. super super super agree
10.-
11.-
OH gosh! I hate those commercials too! Ban ’em all
1. seriously laughing out loud! I also just broke down and bought skinny jeans, which I have also mocked relentlessly since they have been in style. I wore them for the first time today and feel vaguely ridiculous in them. The fiance convinced me that I do not look like a fat cow… but the sausage-thigh thing is hard to ignore. Not sure if this was a stupid idea yet.
2. you’re giving me ideas… I like the sounds of that.
3. and 4. definitely
5. we went pretty random – a name out of the gov’t list of officiants. felt wrong but I think she’ll be good. one thing that made me happy was when I googled her, she was on some blogs of gay couples who she had married.
8. nah – i’m mostly vegematarian. but I could see the bizarre attraction, like a car crash.
PS. Just to clarify, I believe looking good has little to do with actual weight, and a lot to do with the clothes you choose – as has been thoroughly demonstrated by What Not to Wear (something else I initially mocked but grew to enjoy watching). So this is not bashing of thighs – which do well with some nice curvature – it’s just questioning whether mine should be in tight denim sausages.
COMPLETELY AGREE.
1. Now I want to eat biscuits and sausage gravy.
2. We’re doing tea and lemonade with some sort of snack during the ceremony (I’m leaning towards sweet potato chips) and opening the bar immediately after.
3. I made quiche last night with 3 cheeses. So basically, a cheese pie. Also, yes the government is taking all your money. And mine too.
4. But what will the drunk people sing?
5. Ask other people in your area who they used? Although, my vote is for the sea captain.
6-7. Ha!
8. Noooooo
9. Yes.
I like your tea/lemonade/snack plan for the ceremony. I like that a lot.
*contemplating*
1. When we were in California (the weekend we announced our engagement to our families!), I ran into the Pacific Ocean and thus had to buy new pants. All that was available were skinny jeans. I wear a size 2, and I still looked ridiculous.
2. It never occurred to me to want drinks during the ceremony, but after reading your description “casual-community-gathering feel it imbues” I want it! And I realize this means I will fight with my own caterer someday.
4. I find the latter particularly offensive because Gary Glitter got busted for child pornography.
8. I find the existence of the Double Down doubly delightful because Collin and I regularly bet each other KFC over petty disputes (e.g. How many episodes of The L Word was Cobie Smulders in?). It’s like THEY KNOW.
RE Glitter: I just found out last night! How effing creepy! If only people KNEW what they were singing (er, or shuffling drunkenly) around to…
Yeah, one of the ceremonies I was at, they actually worked it into the script that we, the guests, were to raise our glasses, shout “we will!” and then take a big drink when prompted to demonstrate support for the couple. It was really awesome and fun and heartwarming.
I think skinny jeans has less to do with overall size then shape. I have really narrow hips so skinny jeans give me curves where I otherwise don’t really have any. Wide legged jeans look terrible on me (plus I’m short so that doesn’t help). I think straight cut is universerally flattering.
ah you make my day!
2. made me laugh out loud. hard. glad I’m home alone.
3. Cheese is one of my top 2 food groups. the other is carbs. oops. i’m working on getting the veggies in there somewhere. And I’m all for imagining a pub setting. I miss england pubs. 🙁
5. Sea Captain? Sweet deal! reminds me of the wedding episode of the office.
6. amen. stupid super bowl commercials. maybe women like beer too? but obviously not yours anymore miller lite.
8. yeah…KFC makes me sick. but Fiance likes it too. but he doesn’t like pickles or olives and that’s weird.
9. she-woman money-haters club. it ruins everything. we should go back to bartering sheep and beads and stuff.
The officiant was one of the trickier things we dealt with. I would’ve loved to have had a friend or relative perform the ceremony, but there simply wasn’t anyone we could think of who would enjoy that responsibility/public speaking.
I e-mailed people, checked craigslist, and scoped out local judges and mayors.
I think we finally found our officiant on some wedding website list of local wedding officiants. We had to wade through all kinds of um, oddballs (“Misty Dragonfly” was one woman’s name… not quite what we were looking for). We really wanted someone who didn’t seem cheesy or fly-by-night. The best way we had of weeding people out was checking their websites – if they had numerous spelling errors, we crossed them off the list.
We finally found a very nice, professional woman, but the day before, we were getting so desperate, we were considering going to the courthouse the day before or something.
You can definitely develop a meaningful relationship with cheese. I certainly have.
But as for the cheese being ‘pub style’…hmm. As a native Brit, I have to say that in a standard pub, you will only find cheese like that on a ‘ploughmans’ – a mean consisting of cheese, ham, pork pie, pickle (ie branstons), salad, bread and sometimes some grapes. In a posh pub (one that is a restaurant as well, ie a gastropub) you will get the usual cheese plates.
More standard pub snacks are crisps (I believe you call them ‘chips’), pork scratchings (um, you probably have another name for that too…), peanuts, and for hot food offerings: chips (fries, but fatter).
Mmm. Cheese. What were the other questions again?
Oh, and I’ve almost bought skinny jeans several times… usually because I see some girl wearing them who looks vaguely close to my size, and I think, “hey, she looks cute and un-sausage-like. maybe I *can* rock those!” Then I try them on and realize, no, no no no. I’ve realized the same thing re: harem pants. 😛