You guys? I kinda hate money right now. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it.
… Thus spake the girl who just dropped a wad of cash on brand-new undies. I just couldn’t continue girding my loins in rags any longer, yafillme?
AND YET. The mind. It dwells on the money. And verily, the money remains on the mind.
Let me give you a rundown of my typical mental trip.
First, I’ll stop by one of those slick inspiration blogs that feature impeccably-styled weddings. You know the drill. There is a hip swanky hotel; there are a million unique details. There is a retro photo booth littered with all kinds of zany props. The hottest club DJ-of-the-minute is on the ones and twos, sending guests into a frenzied, unholy trance. The bride is wearing a gorgeous dress custom-made by a fashion designer.* And for about 25 seconds, I am jealous. Jealous. Why can’t my wedding be like that? Why is my budget so tiny and impossible?
Then, I laugh it all off, because they are fools. Fools. Spending all that money? On just one single day? Yeah, it looked neat, but they should have focused on the things that really matter, which sure as hell aren’t the centerpieces fashioned from antique cameras. The beau and I don’t care about how the wedding looks. Our minds are in the right place. Our hearts are in the right place. We’re sensible people who are focused on the marriage, and not pretty crap.
We are so much better than that.
I win. Ha.
Next, I’ll cruise on over to the “budget” wedding blogs. And there will be a post that talks about a quiet, beautiful, soulful, sincere wedding that was put on for a total of $3,000. And for about 37 seconds I hate. Haaaaaaaaate. Oh sure, I’ll think. Sure. Of course. They probably have, like, 20 graphic design and musician friends. They borrowed their uncle’s cute little Victorian home with a large backyard. Their 3rd-grade teacher volunteered to make a buttload of tiramisu. Their cousin redesigned their grandmother’s wedding dress to suit the bride. Of course they did it all for so little.
Then, I click away feeling like I’ve just been punched in the gut. Oh, God. Their budget was so small. Oh, shit. I am clearly the world’s most irresponsible person for not having a budget that small. Maybe if I just searched harder for resources? Leaned harder on my friends? Maybe we really can make this a community effort, despite the fact that 90% of our community lives out of town? I am failing, failing. I am a wasteful bride who is flunking Do-It-Together 101. I want to throw my money away on frivolous things like a DJ and a day-of coordinator, when it’s the sentiment that matters!
What is wrong with us?
I lose. Hard.
And this, my friends, is where the needle skids off the record. Skreeeeeeeep.
Money, to each and every one of us, is not just straight numbers. Money is class.** Money is opportunity. Money is worth. And so we involuntarily assign an ethical value to our budgets. Whether we like it or not, we assign an emotional value to what we’re spending for our weddings.***
And that’s where budgets, and talking about them among ourselves, can be insidious. People have vastly different ideas of what constitutes “reasonable.” Reasonable is a highly personal decision informed by individual experience and systems of belief. I might think my budget is sensible while others would insist it’s ludicrous. You’re spending what on what? OK, crazy lady.
Our corner of the wedding world attracts like-minded people. We tend to believe less is more. We (mostly) value substance over style. We’re often working within limited budgets. Ours is a world quite inverted from the norm (hello, tradition and ostentation!), and somehow, somewhere along the line, we all seem to have agreed that the smaller the budget, the better the wedding. There’s an assumption floating around that big, pretty, spendy weddings are devoid of meaning. That they are emotionally fake, that they are a fabrication. I admit that I’ve been guilty of insinuating this. But I submit that this is a sort of knee-jerk reaction to our lack of disposable incomes. We can’t have all the prettiness, so we shall dub it excessive.
Ellie of Wedding for Two put it best in a recent post: “I don’t think big weddings are better than small weddings, but I think that big weddings get derided in the BIC because people equate big wedding with magazine-worthy wedding, or brides who become so obsessed with the wedding that they forget about the marriage.”
You know what? If the beau and I won the lottery tomorrow, I can’t say that I wouldn’t spend more money on our wedding than absolutely necessary. I highly suspect that my hypothetical, suddenly-rich self would hire the high-end DJ. I would invite more of my friends. I would fashion some centerpieces out of antique cameras. But I also believe that, despite the magazine-ready resemblance, our wedding would still be a significant, emotional experience between us and the little community that will have gathered to witness the start of our marriage. Money can’t ever take that away from us. Prettiness can never trump that.
Spending less money on a wedding does not automatically generate more meaning (and vice-versa). The people who are involved do.
My budget is my budget. This is what we can afford.****
I need to keep my head down and focus on that.*****
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* She also does not have flabby arms, which just kills me.
** Last year, A. of Accordions and Lace wrote an exceptional post about class and weddings. Please go read it if you haven’t yet.
*** Well, what we spend for everything, really.
**** Um, what we currently cannot afford, but we’re working on that.
***** A Cupcake Wedding posted last Friday on ignoring others’ opinions of your budget. You should go read that too, if you haven’t.
Oh man I am all over this post.
I feel like you are the first person to really admit that we do judge people for their budgets, even if it is just for a second. Amazing.
I do look at the $3000, $2000 or $6000 weddings and think how the fuck are they doing that? I am a big irresponsible failure who can’t keep her budget down. And then I look at someone who spends upwards of $20,000 and think, damn, I am so jealous. Wish my parents could afford that. Fuck. Wish I could afford that. And then I feel slightly bitter. They aren’t fools. They are just lucky sonofabitches who don’t realize how lucky they are.
The thing is, expensive weddings can certainly have the same warmth and heart as a WalMart wedding. I’ve been to those weddings. And I, too, would spend a shitload more if I had it to spend.
But I really, really hate the way you can’t write about trying to keep expenses down without someone taking it personally. I see so many upscale brides write about how budget brides make it sound like their weddings are the only ones with heart and how insulted they are. That makes me worry people will think I am putting their expensive weddings down when I go on about our community affair or how I love other cheap weddings. And it pisses me off. It’s like, hey, we can’t write about how excited we are about out $30,000 venue or the six-course dinner. So let us fucking praise our $200 dress and handmade table cards without you feeling slighted. Can’t I just be happy that I am putting together a pretty wedding on my teeny budget? Why does that have to steal your happiness? (you being the girls who bitch about cheapo brides being snobs.)
Then there was the period of time when I freaked out because I didn’t want everyone to judge us for having a poor person’s wedding…
The point is: I learned through all of this that money is NOT worth. We really should stop judging people by how much they spend. And when I say people, that means ourselves, too.
I wouldn’t judge someone for wearing Prada (I would covet, yes) the same way I wouldn’t judge someone for wearing Old Navy (sometimes they have way cute shit.) That frame of mind should apply to weddings.
Don’t fucking judge the final tab. Just don’t.
Thanks for letting me rant.
*applauding*
I sooo hear you.
I thought about putting a budget tab up on my blog, because I think it might help out future brides. Or people who are nosey, like me.
But then I got worried… what if people judge me for how much I’m spending. I don’t want someone to look at how much we are paying for a photographer and think “Wow, they’re getting ripped off”
I love you and I love your writing, but I love you even more for this post. I made it my mission early on to ignore the guilt about budgets and What It All Means by putting it out there. I made it part of my damn blog to get past the bullshit associated with wedding expectations and budgets precisely because everyone’s too nervous (understandably so) to talk about real numbers, lest they be judged or be faced with judging themselves. And I make sure to reference that I’m talking about LA weddings, because hell, a Kansas wedding on my budget is a whole different ballgame (which people conveniently forget when they start talking numbers and moral superiority.)
Since that moment, I’ve doubted myself a lot. Because my budget is too big, or too small, or simply a reference point for everyone elses angst/anger/envy/disdain. But it’s mine, and it’s real, and it’s a damn struggle every day to keep it in perspective of my values, my no-debt promise, my priorities, and my realities. It’s my “reasonable,” and that’s what I’m trying desperately to hold onto. It’s been hard to realize that I don’t quite “fit” into any budget or sorting category. I don’t have a group or a label, which leaves me a bit adrift, except for all these other amazing women I’ve found to talk with about all the crap beyond the budget. Women who talk with me about my WEDDING, money aside. The struggles, process, and emotions are the same as we work through our individual budgetary limitations.
This was just what I needed.
Weddings in general are so loaded with value judgements and budgets make an extra easy target. Numbers are easy to pick on. I can already feel little comparisons being made with my recently engaged friends. And I like to think we’re all practical and kind to one another, but I agree that there are moments of judgement in all of us, probably completely out of defensiveness – wanting to confirm our own choices and know they are all right.
This great post, along with Becca’s post on weddings as an investment, are perfect therapy for me right now. The wedding expenses are piling up, higher than I thought of course, and with only 3 months left we are running out of time in which to attempt to gather money from thin air.
YAY! I love this post. It makes my day. I feel like a floor mat when I talk about with my wedding with some of my friends who are also planning their weddings. $30 000 weddings in the middle of Saskatchewan, what the heck are you spending that much money on? Then the next person is getting married for $2000 but her sister is a musician and her brother is a graphic designer and her other sister can sew anything. This whole wedding industry thing can be a real jerk. Thank goodness for REAL AWESOME PEOPLE like you.
Right there with you! Big Applause, don’t let the budget-haters get you down (easier said than done, I know, but we can do it!)
I loved this post. Thank you.
But I am still feeling green about weddings: what does “BIC” mean?
I BELIEVE it means “blog/blogging industrial complex.” Someone please correct me if I am wrong.
Oh, that makes sense. I only recently learned about “WIC” as Wedding Industrial Complex. I originally thought people were talking about the welfare program.
So much to love about this post.
I think it’s really, really hard to admit that I can be judge-y. It’s my least favorite thing to be. Ever. But honestly, that’s where the bulk of my wedding-fear comes from: from remembering weddings that I attended and judged (shame on me, but I’m human – and I have way more empathy now, i will say that), and from seeing weddings online and judging.
I’ve seen $30,000 weddings online and thought, “wow, wasteful!” and felt smug. :-/ I’ve seen pricey ones that still managed to look easy and homemade and I’ve cursed the fact that the “just thrown together look” actually costs a ton to achieve.
I’ve also seen $5000 ones (like ours) that looked kinda… not-so-good and thought “damn, ours is going to look like a bad junior high party”
I’ve also seen $2000 ones that were *gorgeous* and thought “no fair! the bride looks like a model and could’ve worn a potato sack! Of course that $5 dress/no make-up/messy bun looked amazing on her!” or “why don’t *I* have any gourmet cook/grammy-award-winning musician/fire-eating/juggling friends???!!”
I think if I’ve learned anything from this process it’s that I can be snobby, I hate that, and I want to move toward letting go of comparing myself with others. Though MUCH easier said than done.
A-FUCKING-men. Bottom line: everyone’s wedding is different, therefore everyone’s budget is going to be different. And yeah, we’re ALL guilty of judging other couples’ wedding budgets, but in the end, we have to just respect. ‘Cause we ain’t them. And them ain’t us.
Love this. I’ve been beating myself up for months now over our ballooning budget. Before we got engaged I was positive we would not spend over the magical 10k number. I was pretty judge-y when hearing people were spending 2-3x times that, not going to lie. Of course, I had no idea how expensive a wedding in Hawaii could be.
My mantra for the last month has been my budget is my budget. Spend what I’m comfortable with and eff all the rest. It seems to be working.
“Eff the rest.” Yes, please. That’s what I’m zeroing in on, now.
So much to say…so much to say…
I think what strikes me the most about all this is the amount of guilt everyone heaps upon themselves over their budgets. Lyn, why should you feel bad that you only have a certain amount of money to spend on your wedding? Why should you feel bad that someone else has a lot less to spend on their wedding, and managed to have a nice wedding, anyway? If you have more money than someone else than you’re lucky. And if they were able to do it all on a 3k budget, with a little help from their friends, then they’re lucky, too. Which means that it’s a win-win for everyone.
I know it’s hard (as I click onto a picture of a coach purse I’ve been lusting after since Christmas) to not get caught up in the hype. But here’s the thing – and this goes for all of you – your job is to have the wedding you want and can afford, that reflects you and your fiance’s style and personality. A celebration of the two of you, and who you are right now. That’s it. I’ve done about, what, 80 of these ? “Soulless” weddings come in all shapes, sizes and budgets. You know what separates them from the “Soulful” ones? The couple and their attitude. When a couple goes into their wedding, holding hands so to speak, so excited about spending time together, and with friends and family they haven’t seen for years. Their weddings are about them, not just her, THEM. That’s not budget-specific.
Switch your perspective – instead of feeling guilty that you have too much and that others were able to do more with less, be grateful that you have enough for the wedding you want, and happy for others who were able to do more with less. Otherwise, you’re just going to drive yourself nuts.
Liz, I appreciate your zen check on this matter. No, I shouldn’t feel guilty about our budget, and neither should anyone else. But we do, because money is a tricky matter, and there’s a measure of self-worth tied up in it (and I don’t mean only for those with bigger budgets, either).
Many of us feel unease with the budget matter — I wanted to identify that and help bring it out into the light of day. If we level with it, we can perhaps overcome our anxieties about our budgets, and the backlash we get from others — even friends and family — about the number of dollars we’re spending on our weddings, whether that number is “high” or “low.”
You’re right, I am grateful that I have what I do have. My goal is to focus on that and be at peace with it. And I wish others, if they’ve ever felt similar budget anxiety, the same.
Great honesty in this post! I bet most of us (very much including me) are guilty of judging other weddings. Whether I judge it for better or worse, we are all just judging pictures. Still frame images of a wedding that we have no idea about besides how it looks.
And its so hard to stop doing it! Its so hard to not compare!
Thanks for your insight – great to read!
So this is just something I was musing on, but… why do you think weddings are so linked to judging?
I mean, it just doesn’t seem as ingrained in other celebrations or life events (reunions, funerals, births, graduations, other religious ceremonies, etc.). But I know it’s not just me/us — TLC’s “4 Weddings” is all about strangers competing and rating this cultural passage. And I know it can’t be a new phenomenon, because in Austen’s “Emma” Mrs. Elton sniffs over the “shocking lack of lace.”
So what’s the deal?? Is it because of the $$ spent? Is it because of the “performance” aspect? Hmm. Gonna have to think on this.
Honestly, I’m not worried about what people in the blogging world will think about my wedding budget. If they think it’s too much or too little, eff them. I don’t know them and don’t care.
What I’m concerned about is my family and friends judging my budget. Many of my friends are doing much better financially than I am. I’m embarrassed by that. I also feel like if I don’t have a nice enough wedding, it’s showing that I’m not respecting my guests (ie. my dear grandparents) and that makes me feel bad. This is what I’m wrestling with the most.
But I love your frank honesty about your thoughts on budgets. I think the more we talk about it, the less taboo it will become and people will be less judgey.