in which my wedding immunizations are not up-to-date

Yesterday we went to the rental place. You know, to pick out tables and chairs and dishware and silverware and blah blah blah flee in terror.

The lady who was helping us, you could tell that she was used to talking to people (brides) who care intensely about The Details. For instance, we got to the matter of the Cake Table, and the beau and I went through the whole well-we-don’t-think-we’re-having-a-cake-we’re-maybe-having-something-like-pies routine, and she looked at us and put her pen down. “You know,” she said, “we had a bride in here who did a wedding last fall, and she did a whole table with an assortment of pies!” She lowered her voice and continued: “And I wouldn’t normally tell you this, but she went out and got her pies from Costco and Marie Callender’s.”*

She went on to tell us that they were just the hugest wedding hit ever, except in retrospect she wouldn’t recommend ever putting out an apple pie, because well, they just don’t hold their shape when cut, and they don’t look very nice on a plate.

Oh honey. You had me at Costco. And then you went and lost me with presentation. It is pie. I don’t care what it looks like. I would scoop that shit up and eat it with my hands, no problem. But then again I am not as classy as some.

So anyway, there we were, feeling smug in our wedding zen. At least I was. The beau was probably daydreaming about, I don’t know, maple-flavored bacon. But then shit got wild, yo. She asked us what our wedding colors were. I looked at the beau. The beau looked at me. “Well,” I said, “we don’t really have wedding colors.” The lady put her pen down again, slowly. “OK then, what’s the color of your bridesmaid dresses?” she inquired. Blank look from me. “Uh, well…” I stammered. “I don’t have a color for, uh, for those dresses yet.”

A look of alarm passed over her face. I could see it in her eyes: These people do not know what they want. This was a problem, you see, for how could we possibly select the colors and themes of the rental items if we did not know the colors and themes of the overall wedding?

She looked us up and down. “Well, I can see you are both wearing green,” she began tentatively. I glanced down, then slid my eyes sideways to check out the boy. We were indeed wearing green. What do you know about that? “Do you like green?” she asked. We nodded dimly. Yes. Yes, we like green. And that was good enough. Now she had an angle. She was in like Flynn.

From there it was all a blur. There were these racks, they had tablecloth fabric samples on them. She was a machine, a machine in motion, pulling samples down and setting a pretend table with different glassware and utensils. She was pairing sage green with rust, with copper, with burnt orange.** She was tossing teal into the mix. She threw together a satin olivino tablecloth with a satin citron napkin. She, good lord, she was putting little clippings of rosemary and lilac in the folds of the napkins!

It this impeccably casual enough? No? Yes? Help? // Source: Jen Tilley via Flickr (
It this impeccably casual enough? No? Yes? Help? // Source: Jen Tilley via Flickr (

And somewhere in the middle of all this I found myself suddenly caring deeply, deeply, about these colors. What if they didn’t go with our venue? What if they didn’t go with each other? What if some of our guests didn’t like the colors? What would the guests think when they approached the tables? What kind of feel would the colors generate? Moreover, did we know that for the centerpieces we could build low, long boxes and grow wheatgrass in them, and then contrast that with citrus tree branches in vases for that extra pop of color?

The beau told me later: “She really lost me when she said we should grow plants in boxes for the wedding.”

We left after two hours, in a daze. I was clutching fabric samples. I am still the same person who said that I would just get the cheapest, most boring tablecloths and call it a day, right? Then how do I explain this sudden bout of hand-wringing over color coordination?

They got to me, you guys. They got me.

For now, the fabric samples have been jammed into a drawer. I need a break. I need some time to sort the B.S. from what’s really important to us.

In the meantime, I’m thinking about making a trip to Costco. I understand they have a decent selection of pies.


* I’m already liking this chick.

** Yes, these sound like they should be all the same color, but mysteriously, they were not.

9 thoughts on “in which my wedding immunizations are not up-to-date”

  1. I’m slightly jealous that you are still engulfed in the ridiculousness of the wedding industry. Since being married, and not yet being pregnant, I have found that there are not nearly enough idiotic things to make fun of. Maybe I’ll take a walk over to The Nest, they always have something silly there…

  2. oh no, they got you! : ) i’m afraid they got me too. i went wedding dress shopping and now all of a sudden dropping a HUGE wad of cash on a dress i’ll wear for one day seems alright. and there’s lace and beading and sparkle – all things i (thought) i didn’t want. they also asked me about colors and bridesmaids- we’re not having either one, so I at least got to hold firm on that one.

  3. This is why I’ve learned (the hard way) that I can never buy things on the spot. NEVER. Despite all my best intentions and innermost beliefs, they get me every time. So now, it’s all about “let me take this home and think about it.”

    Also, I had no idea the rentals were another place to prepare for bamboozlement. I thought I’d just point to the cheap silverware (stainless) and be done. Thanks for the warning.

  4. YES YES YES. By golly that’s IT. PIES!!!

    I don’t really enjoy cake all the much, nor does Dave. We do, howevs, have the ability to polish off an entire apple pie (that we make from scratch! yea food!) in less then a weekend.

    Since we’re gettin’ hitched in October (holy shite, that’s in like, a day), and we’re low key peeps who haven’t been able to figure out dessert, pies seem seasonally appropriate AND delicious. And we can have several types and people can have different flavors.

    We only expect about 70 people at the wedding. So this seems doable, yes? Maybe I’m frakking nuts.

    Does this shit freeze well, unbaked? I think yes, in which case I could even whip up some blueberry pies in late August and freeze ’em for 10/2/10.

    This blog is awesome. Hysterical. Thank you for helping me hold on to my sanity.

    1. Gretchen! I’m sorta into baking, and I believe that unbaked pies do really well in the freezer, especially if they’re in there for less than 2-3 months. It would be awesome to do the prep in advance, too — less shite to worry about in the final crunch. You only have to watch out for sealing them up well and taking care that they don’t get freezerburned.

      Especially if you bake in advance, whipping up pies for 70 people sounds more than doable. It even sounds delicious. Good luck! And thanks for your comment. 🙂

  5. Oh you’re hilarious! you can put so perfectly into words these experiences that apparently so many of us go through in our introduction to all things wedding. I’ve been there, staring blankly, when being asked about headpieces (I wasn’t really sure what they meant but the word made me scream NOOO! in my head) and napkin colours and many more. I also must follow the rule of saying no to things until I go home and think about it because it is really easy to get caught up in it… and then when I do get home, I have to learn to put things away when I feel obsession coming on. A few days ago I was about to drop $125 on some simple earrings (that I could actually make myself) cause they were just so damn pretty and sparkly. WALK. AWAY.

    1. Yeah, I am afraid for myself in future wedding decisions. I think part of the problem is that we tend to mirror others in social situations… so if one person (albeit a sales person) is acting super excited and enthusiastic about WOW WEDDING COLORS it’s difficult to remain disengaged from that and not be swept up in it. Walk away is right on, lady. Right on.

  6. Dont dooooooooooooo it.

    No, seriously, if you want the rainbow linen, get them. Sounds pretty!

    But you dont have to. You know that already, I am sure. Still, it is nice to repeat that to yourself from time to time.

    P.S. you are so funny.

  7. Hey Lyn: I was thinking it might be cool to throw together maybe 4 blueberry pies after I pick berries in August and 4 apple pies in September (and freeze those SOBs). And maybe buy the rest. This woman near me bakes delish, pretty pies and they’re only like $15 a pop. There are also non-fruit pies I can get for my chocoholic guests. I cannot believe i didn’t think of this before.

    PS: Your blog makes my day and helps me feel sane. I am getting a lot of shit from my family/bridesmaids for not being obsessed w/ the wedding. D-Day is Oct. 2nd and I don’t have a dress (I don’t like dresses…they make me look fat) and I don’t have flowers picked out, etc. I just care about food, booze and a pretty location that speaks for itself (check, check and double check – we’re getting married on a beach and the reception is on the waterfront. Perfect.). I am secretly afraid that if I open the door to caring a little bit I’ll spiral out of control and care so much my head implodes. Even though I know, rationally, no one gives a rat’s ass what shade of blue I pick for our “accent color”. Teal? Navy? Cerulean? SKY? TOO MANY.

    Going dress hunting this weekend. Let’s see what happens…

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