I’m a lazy bride. And I’m not just talking about the fact that I’d rather rent burlap table runners than make my own.
I don’t so much actively seek out our vendors as I trip and fall into them. Our photographer? Was the first person I emailed after seeing her work on a website. Our caterer? Was recommended by my hair lady and was on the list of venue-approved vendors. Our DJ? Was within our budget and is dating our caterer. We didn’t bother doing interview after interview or obtaining quote after quote. Things just sort of haphazardly fell into place.
I’m not saying we went around signing contracts blindly, of course. We met with each of our vendors first, got a feel for who they are and what they do, and made our decisions based on our gut feelings. And so far, the serendipitous approach has worked out fairly well for us. We’ve allowed ourselves to be one with the universe and let the karma flow freely and the chakras do… things. Or whatever. My point is that our relationships with our vendors have by and large been pure rainbow-studded, greased-lens, sunshine-meadowed bliss.
But.
We met briefly with the DJ today, and the resulting conversation was fascinating. He made a scrunched-nose face when I mentioned walking in to the same song our wedding party walks in to, because OK, that’s weird, right?* He made a joke about how I put everything that everybody likes to listen to on the do-not-play list. When I lamely protested that all I remembered banning was John Mayer and Jack Johnson,** he was like, yeah, exactly. And specific preferences aside, I had intended to hire a vendor who could at least semi-appreciate our musical tastes. Someone who could see through to our souls. Does that kind of vendor even exist, or is that just the wedding industry warping my expectations again?
Friends, I am scared. I am scared that I effed this one up big time. The music was one of the wedding things that was important to me, because music is important to me. And now I’m like oh holy shit, our wedding music is going to suck and it’s all my fault because I didn’t try to find the right vendor hard enough and now I can’t take it back because I already paid the deposit and he’s dating my caterer and that would be entirely awkward and I’m not good at breaking up with people in the first place and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
[sharp sucking in of breath]
I don’t know why I’m unloading this here. I feel like it’s, regrettably, a bit too late to go scrambling around trying to find a new DJ – not to mention that I’d worry our caterer would maybe spit in our food out of spite. My only hope right now is to schedule a meeting with him again and attempt to establish a common ground and a nice friendly rapport. Maybe get him to see where we’re coming from; get him on our side. Maybe that will help assuage my troubled mind? Then I can go back to all meadows and chakras and rainbows, all the time.
Have any of you experienced vendor remorse? Did you act on it?
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* Apparently the bride walks in to a special, different song? This is the way it’s done, I hear.
** I also banned “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang, because I clearly have no taste.
We were suuuuuper lazy. We basically just reused a lot of the vendors from John’s sister’s recent wedding. And even when we didn’t, there was no interviewing. We discovered the DJ when we were whining about not knowing how to find a DJ and someone told us an old high school acquaintance DJ’s on the side. Done and done! I was nervous but luckily it all worked out so no regrets. I think there is something to the chakras and karma and feng shui of going-with-the-flow wedding planning.
Stick with the DJ, just don’t let his nose scrunching mess with your head. I didn’t have a special song just for me and I think people still realized I was the bride when I walked out. And no one can dance to Jack Johnson. Make sure he gets that too. And takes requests if all else fails.
Wait a minute. There’s plenty of other people that wouldn’t do their wedding the way you’re doing yours and now the DJ of all people is making you have second thoughts? And it’s over whether or not to play John Mayer? Pshhht. I don’t understand not liking Jack Johnson but I’ll let it slide. His songs would be hard to dance to anyway. And I totally agree on that g.d. Celebration song.
I guess maybe Jack Johnson and John Mayer would be played during dinner…I can’t see him trying to play their music for dancing. Weird. I don’t think that’s a totally odd ball request. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago where all Michael Jackson was banned. Sooo disappointing.
I think your idea of sitting down with him again and talking a little more would help clarify things for both of you. Hopefully it’ll help to get you both on the same wavelength.
We were impulsive about most of our vendors (read: LAZY) and bullied into the rest. I don’t regret backing out of the ones that didn’t feel right (venue is the big one) even though it did mean we were out some money. Here’s the thing though, I was bullied into our officiant (read: family friend) and I didn’t have the heart to back out of it even when I had the sinking feeling it meant our ceremony wouldn’t be what I wanted. I had talks with him, I did everything I could to find middle ground. And though he included what I wanted, he also included a whole of lot of what I didn’t. I didn’t love it (to put it kindly). It’s my one big regret. If music is important to you, find a new DJ. The caterer can be a professional or suck it. Seriously.
I hear you. And I appreciate the fair warning. I feel unsettled about this guy right now but I’m not sure where the nagging voice lies in the spectrum between “unnecessary fretting” and “DANGER DANGER DANGER RUN AWAY.”
I think maybe I’ll give him one sit-down and then see how I feel after that.
hmmm…it is tricky with him dating your caterer. Normally, I would just tell you to get a different dj. However, you are paying him so he should be listening to you and not judging you. Who cares what other people like? I tried on dresses at a boutique and that guy there kept telling me ‘what girls like’. It made me crazy!
Sounds like another sit down is in order. The best you can do is try to re-emphasize your ideas and if he is really still resistant then you’ll likely need to figure out whether or not the music you really want is worth the awkwardness of breaking up with him. And, ew, John Mayer.
We had immense vendor remorse with our first venue. The guy sucked and was trying to rip us off, big time. PLUS. He was high. All the time. Our contract was covered in scribbles and scratches and it was barely legible. We dumped him. It just didn’t feel right. We found our new venue- a local park, and are please.
I’m on this kick of saying No to things, so I would just tell this DJ what’s up and remind him that your musical taste is important. That sucks, though. I’m sorry he’s being such a crap face.
Our DJ is a friend of mine and he has very different taste in music. We gave him a list of songs, many of them he digs, and we told him no Rihanna, no Beyonce, no Katy Perry, and no Gaga. He was cool with it, but he’s having a slight issue with the music we chose not being dance-y enough to mix. Personally, I think Golden Years is hella danceable and perfectly mixable, but maybe not with 3OH!3… looks like we have some problem solving to do, Lucy!!!
So hopefully this helps… we know our DJ personally and we still have issues. They’re solvable, but they still kind of stink. But remember, you have a sweet flask to fill with whatever infused magic you decide to make… that will make anything danceable- even Celebration.
I would also encourage another sit-down. When he was nose-scrunching, did you get the feeling that he didn’t intend to adhere to your requests or just that he was quietly (or not so quietly) judging your tastes? I mean, if he plans to stick to your plan (even if it’s not what he’d do at his wedding) then maybe it’s not such a big deal. The issue is if he’s going to ignore your ban list (and yes, John Mayer should be on all banned lists. For sure. Number 1 Banned Music.) If that’s the case, that you get the feeling he’s just going to do what he wants instead…that’s when you need to consider the break up.
Good point. This is exactly what I need to figure out, if he has the intention of sticking to our music or not. If not, then it’s time to ban HIM.
That’s exactly what I was going to say, is there any way you can reach out to his previous clients to see whether he adhered to their requests too? Ideally you’d be on the same wavelength for taste but if you’re not it can still work as long as he’s professional about it.
I’d say stick with the DJ and try to make that relationship work. Sounds like it isn’t too far off!
And about the music… wtf?! When I tell people we are not having the chicken dance or macarana or YMCA or Celebrate or other crap like that everyone gets all “WHAT!? How can you not have the chicken dance!? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE!?!?!” and its like this big deal or something. But can I just say that the chicken dance sucks and I KNOW these people wouldn’t even dance to it anyway. So why does everyone get all in a bunch about music they don’t really like anyway? Weirdos.
aka do what you want and play good music. not the stuff thats expected just because its a wedding
and I think we are just going to have one song for the bridal party and for us. I can barely pick one! how am i supposed to pick two!?
Ditto on the one song for us and the wedding party thing. I mean, who the eff cares??
YES. YES. YES. I think I pretty much banned anything that was flagrant “wedding-type” music, such as “Celebration” and “Brick House” and “We are Family” (sorry, Dancy) and so I was alarmed at the dude’s seeming resentment. Look, I know this stuff is commonly played, but I sincerely doubt any of our guests are going to go storming off into the night because they didn’t hear the Chicken Dance song. In fact, they will probably come up and thank us afterwards. Right?
I’m with you on picking two. How? It took me three weeks just to find ONE. Now I have to find another?
I will admit I’m used to the music changing when the bride & groom enter the reception (different from bridal party entrance) but if that’s what you want and that’s what you’re paying for – DJ should shut his trap.
I’m with you on the slow-jams too. Mayer & Johnson are fine to play during dinner or cocktail hour but you can’t really dance to it. I’m with Jen (above) – ZERO chicken dance, macarena, electric slide, etc. The only one we’re playing is “We Are Family” because it’s a bit of a joke since we call his cousin “Sister Sledge”. Our DJ might think we’re nutz, but we’re not paying him to program a radio station for all to hear, it’s our wedding, our friends, our taste… hope it all works out. 🙂
bitch please. this is *your* wedding. this is *your* party. *you* get to pick the music. and if he doesn’t like it, tough shit.
which is maybe kind of harsh, but whatever, it’s early and i am only semi-caffeinated and i’ve already taken TWO GODDAMN PHONE CALLS and you know how i feel about the phone.
ahem.
what i am trying to say here is that i think you’re freaking out too much over this. the DJ doesn’t need to see into your soul. he doesn’t even need to love your taste in music. at the end of the day, he just needs to do his job, which is to play the music you want to hear so you can have a great party.
the other thing i thought while reading this over is maybe he was trying to joke with you. you know that thing i do? where i think i’m being funny but i’m super awkward and it comes off like i’m being snotty or insulting? yeah, i hate that. i wonder if, as you’re freaking out because your DJ hates your music, he is freaking out because he was just trying to make a joke and OHGOD NOW THEY THINK HE HATES THEIR MUSIC but really he totally loves arcade fire and he’s glad you don’t want to play any john goddamn mayer. i mean, i wasn’t there and you were, so you would have a better sense of this, but i do wonder if maybe it was less “oh god he hates us” and more just a miscommunication.
No. There was was no joking. I’m not sure if this guy’s ever even heard of Arcade Fire — he didn’t know who Modest Mouse was. Basically, I knew something was awry when he first exclaimed that he had the perfect Seal song for us. Which… no. So this is why I’m concerned he’s going to hijack the music to suit his tastes, not ours.
I hear you that he doesn’t need to connect with us on some kind of spiritual level. I’d just like some sign that he could play what we like, and not what HE likes.
I’m starting to get DANGER DANGER RUN AWAY vibes after reading your added comments – he shouldn’t function as just an expensive and disobedient ipod. If you still have icky feelings after a sit-down, don’t feel bad about moving on. You can find someone else. And you can always fib a bit to get through the break up…
Before any dumping of DJs happens, have a serious sit down. A heart-to-heart. Come armed with some playlists so he can see the flow of the day as YOU see it and not just the songs you CAN’T play (I’m super digging the Hi Fi Weddings lists right now). You’re not everybride and everygroom, it’s true, but let him see what you are instead of aren’t. And if he doesn’t get that, and you still have weird feelings, then back out. I know two ladies who had bad DJ experiences (Cupcake and 30 Something Bride) and I wouldn’t wish their DJ anger on anyone. Maybe talk with your caterer to get a sense of what he’s done at other weddings (yes, she’ll be biased, but she can give you a flow of the day and the way the parties went.) See if its salvageable before freaking out. You may not have had a meeting of the minds this time, but it doesn’t mean he’s not professional. If you find that he probably can’t behave professionally, then run and find an ipod backup if no other DJ is available.
Yeah, he already has our playlists for the various parts of the day. And I think he thinks they’re weird. So I need to figure out what to say to him for this sit-down. We also met someone else who had him as their DJ and they said they had to ask him once or twice to start playing more music from their playlists, but that was it. And if it’s just a matter of reminding him to stick to what we like, then that’s not so bad. However, I also feel like a DJ’s job is to read the crowd and intuitively play to it, and so I don’t want to trample all over that. I want to allow him creative space. If he doesn’t have that, then what more is he than a person we paid a lot of money to keep our friends from hijacking our iPod?
If you told him already what you do want played and he thinks that’s weird, that makes me concerned. Mainly because that means that he probably doesn’t have that music so playing your list could be a problem. I do think you should have another sit down and point blank ask him, “is this going to be a problem?” because as a fellow music person you really do want your list played, and if it is going to be a problem, you will find another dj. and smile and say as much as you don’t want to.
And if you have to find another dj, you should totally have a talk with your caterer and just say hey, you’re really sorry about this but you want your music played and he didn’t want to play it. and if she wants to get paid, she’ll stick with you.
God I don’t miss this sort of negotiation. It always made me super uncomfortable which is why we too were “lazy.” Maybe we should have hired a planner but, more money, more money, more money. ugh.
First of all, John Mayer and Jack Johnson can jump off the face of the earth holding hands. The world would be a better place.
Secondly, I suggest providing a setlist with songs you want played and when, i.e. Ceremony songs; Dinner songs; Reception songs, etc. And/or burning the DJ a TON of mixtapes with songs you’d like to hear.
Thirdly, Hi-Fi Weddings is a badass site where you can see what others have played at their weddings and get an even better feel for what you want/don’t want. Check out the complete list of tunes here: http://hifiweddings.com/hi-fi-tunes/ – maybe you should direct your DJ there, too?
Lastly, you are paying him to PLEASE YOU. He is there FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU HIRED HIM. Speak your mind openly and honestly, and don’t apologize for it. Good luck!
Yikes. Is there anyway to get rid of him? It doesn’t sound like he’s going to give you want you want, at all. If you’ve already given him your playlists and he just thinks you’re weird, chances are he’s not going to play what you have requested.
Since music is so important to you, it may be time to find someone else.
P.S. I went the lazy route for finding all of our vendors too. Hopefully it will work out.
I loved reading this post and comment thread, because I think people’s personal do-not-plays are fascinating. Like, I also plan to put John Mayer on mine, because I will never ever forgive him for that song about how it’s important for people to be nice to little girls so they don’t grow up and break men’s hearts, but don’t worry how you treat little boys because they are strong and soldier on. Unless a woman who was not properly handled breaks his heart, in which case, they must strum and cry and win fucking Grammys. UGH. I hate that dude.
But I also don’t want to hear any Journey, and yet I think: who am I to deny my wedding guests their “Don’t Stop Believing,” which against my strong protest has apparently become the world’s favorite song of all time?
I also agree with everyone who’s like, “so some of the wedding standards I hate, but there are some that I demand for personal reasons.” I suspect our DJ will raise his or her eyebrow when I say, “I will summarily fire you and replace you with a iPod full of kazoo solos if you play The Bee Gees, but you are also REQUIRED to play ‘The Cupid Shuffle'”
Here’s the thing, though: they’ll have NO IDEA you’re depriving them of their Journey. They will be too busy getting funky to The Cupid Shuffle to notice the lack of Journey. And in fact, it’s very likely that later they will end up at a bar that will obligingly play “Don’t Stop Believing” between the hours of 1:00 and 2:00 am, because I believe there is some of legal agreement in existence about that, and then they can all have a collective moment about small-town girls and city boys at absolutely no loss to you. Unless you are there at the same time.
Anyway.
It’s a weird thing, because you have to toe the line between your personal tastes and your average crowd-pleasing music. And I can see how alarm bells would go off for the average DJ when you’ve got some obscure songs on the playlist. Here he/she is thinking, what guest is going to WANT to listen to “Hott People” by Lyrics Born or the “Kids in the Hall theme song,” when meanwhile you’re like YES these songs MUST BE ON THERE BECAUSE my family/friends LOVE THEM! This is why I just wish there was some kind of official “DJ who sees through to the core of your soul” store where issues like this ostensibly don’t matter.
Oooh. This is really making me happy we’re iPodding our reception. If someone mocked us for excluding Jack Mayer from the evening’s tunes, we would not be near as polite about it as I suspect you were.
Seriously. Have at our outfits, flowers, ceremony, seating chart, whatever. But do not FUCK with us on our Motown.
I agree with the other suggestions above… provide him with an extensive “MUST PLAY” list as well as a firm “DO NOT PLAY” list. That leaves less room for bad tunes, and ensures you WILL like at least 50% of the music.
And if he balks at the “MUST PLAY” list? *to the tune of the Imperial March* Dump the bum, dump the bum, dump the bum.
Well, you have a LOT of advice here and I can’t tell you what to do or how to make the best of what your gut is telling.
Music was WAY important to us too. The DJ was the ONE thing The Candyman was in charge of. ONE. And it was miserable. While the DJ was all agreeable at their meeting, she did not have a website, working Myspace page and didn’t answer her emails in a time that would be considered reasonable by anymone, I let it go. She showed up on time and played our father/daughter song and all that. However, we had given her a SPECIFIC list of songs to play as well as our do not play list. She did not play anything from the do not play list, but she also only played 3 songs from the MUST PLAY list and it was much longer than three songs, I’ll tell you that. I mean, we even layed out the timing of certain songs, what to play when and how we wanted other music woven in. It was a freakin’ outline. All she had to do was push the play button on time.
The music was the first thing I heard when we walked into the reception. We had scheduled some lighter cocktail tunes, mixed with some old school blue grass stuff – a perfect mix for our crowd. I walked into something BUMPING by Kanye West. It was the first thing I did – told my planner to tell the DJ to turn it way the fuck down and knock off the gangsta-hipsta bullshit.
She just couldn’t read the crowd. She really effing sucked and I wish I had just listened to my gut and done what I wanted to do regarding the music.
I’ll be really interested to find out what you do! Good luck!