I fancy myself a rational person, but I’ve got my heart set on some wedding Magic. Yes, Magic. With a capital M. That’s what I’m after.
The industry blogs and magazines may play up the cute favors and the clever centerpieces and the jaw-dropping invitation suites, but none of that really gets me hard like Magic does. See, I’m reluctant to admit this, but underneath my hard candy shell of sarcasm lies a soft, sticky, gooey, caramel center.* The Magical moments of wedding recaps never fail to get my eyes a little wet. Those moments when the guests spontaneously broke out in a cheer during the ceremony, when the best friend delivered a heartfelt toast, when the mutual love became a tangible force in the room, even just for a little while.
Magic. I’m in hot pursuit.
You know, we talk and talk and talk about how toxic the material aspect of weddings can be on our psyches. All that impossibly crafty DIY and all those gorgeous details make us doubt our abilities and fear that our own weddings won’t look good enough. But hardly anybody talks about the anxiety that our weddings won’t feel good enough. That they will fail to be Magical enough. And maybe this is something that lives only in the nooks and crannies of my own strange head, but… I feel like all these months of seeing image after image of blissed-out couples huddling in a field and reading recap after recap of relaxed, mellow, loving weddings have got me jacked up on the Magic drug. If Magic was cocaine, I’d be sitting on a tiny mountain of it right now with it all over my face. And with the high comes the inevitable paranoia: Are my wedding values rightly aligned? Am I preparing myself enough to be present? HOW CAN I ENSURE THAT MY WEDDING IS A EUPHORIC RIDE ON THE EXPRESS TRAIN TO MAGICTOWN?
I’ve long been hoping that, by putting my faith in the good things about the wedding, the universe would return that faith to me in kind on my wedding day.** That the lovely moments that I couldn’t have “planned or paid for”*** will just flow. I concede this is a little like believing in Santa Claus: If you are a good kid during the engagement and live your values, you’ll get everything you ever wanted when the big day comes. Well, no. The world is fucked. Sometimes the goodies go to the least deserving. Sometimes our purest, most honorable intentions aren’t enough. In other words: Sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way we want it to.
So from now on I intend to be honest with myself.
The wedding day will be stressful. I will probably be tense for part of it. Sometimes it will be a struggle not to snap, let alone stay grounded and present. I may, against my own will, experience a couple instances of “wedding terror face.” I just might be a jumble of nerves. I just might spend most of the ceremony ugly-crying. Who knows? I simply don’t know what will happen. Yet.
But I’m still holding out for a little bit of Magic.
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* OH GREAT, NOW I WANT SOME CANDY.
** And I still really, really do.
*** Quoted from the clever A. Marigold, courtesy of A Los Angeles Love.
As Lost winds down, we have come to this theory about the whole shebang — that Jacob and the Man in Black can’t kill one another because they believe they can’t, and that things go well for the survivors when they believe they will go well, but go badly when they doubt the outcome.
It’s definitely like believing in fairies and the Magic of Disney, but it seems to hold true.
Believe you will be calm and centered. Believe you will be filled with love and that love will be expressed back to you. Believe you will spend your day crying happy tears and laughing, and you will. Let go of anything that does not fit within these beliefs, and the magic will be there.
Oh yes. This has been going through my head lately too and what I think is, if you let yourself be present and really hold on to what matters to you, the Magic will come. I’ve been in two weddings. The first had all sorts of things go wrong, family drama, the bride hated her makeup, the photographer was awkward, but it was full of Magic, I think, because she let the small stuff (and some big stuff) go and held on to what was important. The second was a stressful. Stressing about centerpieces. Stressing about favors. Stressing about every little detail that was out of her control. Fighting with the future mother in law. STRESSFUL. At the end of the night the bride told, gosh, I’m glad that’s over.
My long winded point being, if you keep yourself open for the Magic, it will come*.
*yeah that came out way dirty then I meant it to.
I’ve never been at a wedding where I didn’t weep profusely. Yes, I’m a crier, but the weddings all hit at the magic you’re taking about. They were all so different (hippies in a park, backyard family, large-scale traditional) but what they all had in common was genuine love. Some of them were perfectly orchestrated and some had multiple mishaps, but all the couples really just were so happy about getting married that the rest didn’t matter. It was magic.
So deep breath. The magic will happen. And other ridiculousness and stress may happen too (I have backstage gossip on some of the major mishaps) but it won’t affect the heart of what’s happening. Really. Really and truly. So what if you’re not “present” for every moment? So what if it flies by (it will, it’s only a few hours in the span of a life) That feeling of “oh my freaking goodness I go married” will probably hit you at some point, and that magic will filter through everything else. I’ve never been to a wedding yet where that wasn’t the case (though I won’t speak for couples who obviously weren’t right for each other. which isn’t your situation at all, so put these thoughts aside.)
Not everything worked out like I intended for our wedding, including some deep sadness because my best friend (my matron-of-honor) ended up not being able to come because her father passed away right before. So…very deeply sad times, with tears during the week, bachlorette/shower, and even while taking photos before the ceremony. But even with that sadness and hurt for what her family was experiencing…..it was still a magical day. And it was beautiful to experience ALL the complex emotions of that time with my husband S right there to crack up with, slow dance with, hug, and cry with… Not what I had envisioned, and I wouldn’t wish that for anyone, but still there was Magic. And maybe the Magic was more special because of the awareness of such tragedy and sadness in the world, you know? The meaning of it all was illuminated on a meta-level….
Anyhow, I think my case is probably outside the “normal” range of wedding days (as far as the sadness aspect goes, though I know there are certainly more difficult stories out there than mine, for sure)…
Regardless, I would say that you are in for a MAGICAL ride. 🙂 And as I read yesterday:
Micheal J. Fox said, “Don’t spend a lot of time imagining the worst case scenario. It rarely goes down as you imagine it will, and if by some fluke it does, you will have lived it twice.”
Pretty wise words that this worrier is going to try to remember! 🙂
Ah! Totally! I’ve been thinking the same thing! Angie over at One Cat Per Person just posted today about letting the magic flow and how people have been amazing and coming through for her, and thats great! But my peeps aren’t necessarily like that. A lot of them are kinda anti wedding. A lot of my relatives are going to be confused by the lack of God and the abundance of happy energy (instead of very serious goings ons). So I’m a little doubtful magic will come my way. But I too am still a believer and am putting out as much good karma as I can.
More importantly than that though, I am not going to put out good karma and then sit back and let the magic come my way. I’m going to make it happen, dammit! I’m not going to try to be relaxed and in the moment. I AM going to be relaxed and in the moment. I’m going to will it to happen. then it will! Because I say so.
This is a great example of making magic happen: http://2000dollarwedding.com/2008/07/clapping-during-ceremony.html
I think there is truth in karma, but there is also truth in being control on yourself and your own emotions. Shit will happen but I’m going to stay in Wedding Zen Land and I’m not going to let anyone brush off my fairydust.
In the end, I’m preparing for the worst and then going to make the best of it.
Thanks for the mention! Magic is totally headed your way. It already is- you have a beautiful Save the Date, the cute little wood cookies are fucking-fantastic, and you’re so on point with your dress, shoes, necklace etc. It’ll all come together. And I know I’m writing about this like I’m some damn guru, but I am on such a wedding high that I’m just gonna let it flow. Just think about where you were a few weeks ago with your dress stress, you stepped up and did the damn thing and made a decision and decided to be happy with it.
I think we’re all going to step out of this feeling so much stronger and confident. As a people person, someone who has the hardest time saying no, and super-indecisive; the past few days have really made me feel a sense of ownership of the wedding. It’s a good feeling.
Aahhh yes wedding magic, I want me some of that. But like Jen mentioned with regard to her friends, there is an awful lot of anti-wedding feelings floating out there in society, a lot of people who roll their eyes at the very idea of weddings. When you’re faced with so much of this it is hard not to worry whether people will leave their cynicism at the door and just let the magic flow. And in my experience almost everyone does. They may roll their eyes before but they’ll be blotting them with tissues soon enough.
I’m still struggling my way there, but I can feel my head shifting slowly toward wedding zen and believing that the magic will just happen. Like actually believing it. And part of that is realizing that magic doesn’t have to mean me being some bizarrely calm and floaty version of myself.
@ Jenny – love that quote, must remind myself of that regularly.
@ Sarah – I like your Lost theory.
I like your rationalism and realism, that’s where I tend to end up most of the time. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want to, and oftentimes you can’t have everything you want. I don’t see these as depressing or pessimistic thoughts necessarily, because I think that having realistic expectations actually helps you be open to magic when it happens.
You’ve got a point. The world is fucked.
But! How beautiful that the Magic happens in spite of the fuckededness!
I guess I never really thought about our personal wedding Magic, per se . . . I always assumed that our wedding would feel good enough because — well, because everyone will be in one room and the same time and I’ll be drinking champagne. It’s like right before you perform, when you’re simultaneously ready and still little anxious; but when you begin to perform, it’s just great because you’re doing what feels right and good. (I’m well aware that I compared a wedding to a performance, and I didn’t mean in THAT way, like you’re clapping like a trained seal for other people. I mean . . . well . . . I mean what I just said.)
This is all to say that I won’t be actively seeking out a way to the train station. But if you happen to stumble upon tickets for the express train to Magictown, you can send one my way.
When you first posted the Wedding Terror Face, after I stopped laughing I had this sad little moment of, “Oh god, that’s exactly what I’m going to look like (only less pale).” Today I had my law school graduation ceremony, where I was one of over two hundred honored folks (instead of one of two), and my eczema still rose up in massive red blotches all over my upper body. Just a dash of pomp & circumstance and I’m all about the anxiety.
I’ve got a year to prepare. But like you wrote in this post, how does one prepare to be present? If you figure it out for sure, tell me. But I think you’re on to something with the whole self-honesty “it’s ok if I have a crazy stress moment or twenty” during my wedding. Otherwise we’ll be stressed about how stressed we are, and that’s a wedding rabbit hole full of pain.
i am trying to be increasingly realistic about the wedding. to realize as much as i plan and stress certain things are silly and certain things will continue to stress me out until it is over and we are cleaning up the mess at the lodge. but i think holding out for the magic is important, what else would keep us going??
That’s a good goal – stay present. Let the little shit, and big shit (if you can), slide. In fact, it’s a good motto for life. If you can’t control it, get over it!
I am stressing about some stuff, like the cost (AH!) and I’m a little sad that the pretty peacock colored dresses I picked out for my lovely ladies is available in Peacock for only one style. And that one style will look terrible on two thirds of my peeps. So the search is back on. Big deal.
Overall I think the fact that my entire life as I know it has completely turned inside out over the past few years has helped me a lot. Specifically, ok TMI alert, years of emotional abuse and lying by my dad culminated in physical abuse against my mom, me and my sister. Right now, all sorts of ugly things are revealing themselves about what my dad has done, his total lack of character and dignity…I’ve had to bury the idea of my dad as I knew him growing up (you know, that whole My Father the Hero thing when you’re little? Most of the time we see the flawed person who are parents really are as we age, but this kind of fall from grace is more like getting sucked into a black hole.). This man who is my biological father isn’t the person I knew and I am ashamed to be related to him. I’ve had to provide my mom with moral support as she attempts to divorce him (who knew it would be so hard to extricate themselves from a horrendous lie of a marriage from someone who strangled you?!). Meanwhile, during all this ugly divorce hostility b/w mom and dad, my own relationship with him is over and my relationship with my family, friends and fiance have thrived b/c of it. I had to cut myself off from him completely to break this cycle of emotional abuse. Unless you’ve experienced it, you don’t understand what I mean and if you do understand I am sorry that you’ve gone through it. Lots of ppl judge me for not talking to my dad – they say it’s water under the bridge. Or that he’s my dad and I *need* to forgive him. That it’ll help me heal or something like that. It’s hard to not yell at them that they have no idea what it’s like to have a man, diagnosed with NPD and Bi-Polar disorder, as your dad. I was the adult in the relationship and I couldn’t be happy in life with him in it.
So anyway this is actually less wah-wah that I meant it to sound. The point is: I am HAPPY. Because I learned I can control my interactions with him by limiting them. And I will walk myself down the aisle. And lots of people pity me and stuff but I’m like, “No. I am in a GREAT PLACE!!!”. After years and years of this awfulness, I am finally freed from it. My wedding will be happy because that emotional turmoil has been removed (he isn’t invited) and my entire family is significantly better for it. I went through a brief Child of a Bad Marriage phase where I was all “SHIT, DAVE. We’re doomed b/c my parents’ marriage sucks!” and I got over it like *that* [snaps]. My family and I haven’t been this happy in years. The wedding is kind of like this beacon of light and happiness after all this shit we’ve gone through. Our reward for dealing with it. The amount of badness experienced over the past decade of my life has gotten me to a point where most stuff just makes me shrug my shoulders and move on. Shit just doesn’t bother me like it bothers some people. Puts it in perspective, yanno? You can’t go through a big thing like that and walk away the same; I walked away with a MUCH better ability to take things in stride and not have my feathers easily ruffled. Also, dealing with my nutjob dad made me more patient and a better communicator. Luckily I am the better for it and didn’t become dysfunctional like some kids (are we still kids?) I know.
*Magic* would be the icing on the cake. I’m sure it’ll happen. It will be a chaotic, emotional-roller coaster crazy ass day but it’ll be FUN! And people will still love me if the brides maid dresses aren’t in my first color choice.
girl, sing it. my relationship with my father is different from yours – abandonment rather than abuse – but due to all kinds of wacky family shit, it’s been thrown into high relief in the past couple of years. and i’ve definitely gotten pressure from various people, both inside and outside my family, to “heal,” to come to terms with it, to “act like an adult” and move on. after all, he’s apologized! i should accept that and get over it.
but you know what? fuck that. we all find our own ways of making peace with ourselves, and sometimes that means cutting toxic people and relationships out of our lives entirely. if that’s what you need to be happy, then that’s what you do. and if other people don’t agree, that’s their problem, not yours.
anyway, i know this was sort of off-topic for the post, but i just wanted you to know that you’re not the only person to struggle with the idea that blood is not always thicker than water. shared DNA does not necessarily make for good relationships. it’s not easy dealing with this, but it sounds like you have a great support system and that you’re doing well with it, so good for you.
ps: thanks for letting me let that emotional bomb go off – it was heavy but your post really struck a chord with me.