So I’m on the phone with United. Actually, no. I am not so much on the phone with United — as in “an actual representative of United Airlines” — so much as I am engaged in a vicious verbal war with the automated bouncer at the virtual customer service door. Trust me: He does not want to let you in.
Automated Customer Service Guy: “Thanks for calling the United Mileage Plus customer service line. Would you like: reservations, upgrades, enroll in Mileage Plus, or for everything else say manage my account.”
Me: “Um, customer service?”
ACSG: “Sorry, please say: reservations, upgrades, enroll in Mileage Plus, or for everything else say manage my account.”
Me: (silence)
ACSG: “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Please say: reservations, upgrades, enroll in Mileage Plus, or for everything else say manage my account.”
Me: (muttering) “I don’t need those.”
ACSG: “Sorry, did you say, ‘goodbye?'”
Me: “No!”
ACSG: “Let’s get your Mileage Plus number. Say or enter your 11-digit Mileage Plus number.”
Me: (tries frantically to locate the number on my desk, manages to key in four digits before allotted time expires)
ACSG: “Sorry, that was in invalid number. Please say your Mileage Plus number one digit at a time, or say: I don’t know it. Or, say: Help.”
Me: “Help?”
ACSG: “Let’s get your Mileage Plus number. Say or enter your 11-digit Mileage Plus number.”
Me: “I FUCKING HATE YOU.”
***********************
I related all this to the beau later, using sweeping arm gestures and perhaps a higher pitch of voice than necessary. He looked at me coolly. “You know, you could have just hit “0” to bypass all those menus,” he said.
Really? REALLY? Was I the last person on earth to know this? Did all of you just read through that now, wincing and ducking like you were watching a bad horror flick; shouting at your computer screen, “Press zero! No! Press zero NOW! Don’t go in the basement! PRESS ZEROOOOO!”
If not, THERE YOU HAVE IT. Now you know the secret trick. No, seriously, you can thank me later.
Let me just say right now: I am not a phone person. Talking on the phone with strangers is my own special flavor of personal hell. But I was having issues with my online account and the error page was telling me I needed to call someone in order to fix it.
So, I sucked it up and made the call. I sacrificed myself for the sake of our post-wedding sanity. See, the beau was a mere 1,500 miles short of the 50,000 needed to get two round-trip tickets for free, and I had to transfer some miles from my account to his so that we could book our flights. That’s right. Flights. To Vancouver. For the honeymoon. We’re leaving the Monday morning after the wedding and coming back the following Wednesday. One glorious full week of non-travel vacation days in between.
So, we’ll be in Vancouver as newlyweds. VANCOUVER. I haven’t been to Vancouver since the summer of ’89, when my parents and I road-tripped from the San Francisco bay area to British Columbia in our 1984 Ford Tempo.* Thank god my parents only had one child, because most of the backseat was taken up by our humongous cooler. I couldn’t stretch out or lie down; the best option I had was to fold my arms over the top of the plastic lid and rest my head on them. I collected blue, green, and brown sea glass on the beaches across from run-down NorCal motels. We stopped and gazed at the inverted beauty of Crater Lake. I saw blue-haired punks for the first time in my life in Seattle. We drove our car onto a ferry (OMG the car went RIGHT ON THE BOAT) and it deposited us in Vancouver, where I saw a clock that spurted forth steam and a park with a horse-drawn carriage and there was a GOLDEN RETRIEVER in that park and the owners let me pet it, and we ate at a place called The Old Spaghetti Factory and that was super exciting because HELLO, spaghetti, plus they served me an Italian soda in a tall skinny glass, and we got to take that glass home with us.**
Yeah. This time around it’s going to be really, really, really different.
Where you goin’ on honeymoon, yo? Or: Where did you go, and what were your best memories from that trip?
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* I am not sure how that car made it all the way to Canada; it frequently couldn’t make it 10 miles from our house.
** This is amazing when you’re eight. Seriously.
We’re planning to go to Canada as well, but the other end… Quebec City and Montreal! Still trying to figure out the vacation situation at work, though…
We’re already in Vancouver – so for our honeymoon we’re going to Hawaii!! It’s the first time we’re going anywhere tropical together and I’m quite excited – but even though our wedding is in July we still haven’t booked tickets or really planned much (ok any) of it. I’m a planner so this is strange. Usually when a trip is on the horizon I spend hours researching things and dreaming but with so many wedding-related things already taking up that space I just haven’t been doing that AT ALL. Must get on it.
I hope Vancouver is glorious for you when you come! (when it rains, like right now, it’s grey and bleak) And seriously email me if you want any suggestions or advice! Since most of our vacations have consisted of places we can drive to, we know Vancouver and the surrounding areas very well.
P.S. some virtual customer service bouncers are getting smarter and pressing “0” is no longer fool proof. Once when I did that, it told me “let me try to help you” instead of connecting to a person! lejfkjncm;oSH;kjnd!!!!! aaaah!
Nina, if you need any travel advice/suggestions for Hawaii you can email me. I’m on Oahu but I’ve been to most of the islands.
kathleen — Oooh, I am jealous. Quebec City and Montreal is totally on my short list of places to go! I’m excited for you.
Nina — Hell yeah! I may be able to help you out with Hawaii, at least Maui, if you end up there. We went once a couple of years ago and it was sweet. Got some tips for you if you need it. And I WILL probably end up emailing you. I’ve heard Vancouver is a great town for food, etc., but it would be fantastic to hear a resident’s take on things. We are thinking about going up to the Whistler area and perhaps Victoria, too. We need to get on the planning as well.
Also: What, they’re doing away with “0”?? Craptastic.
we’re trying to go to british columbia too! we’ve both been separately as teens, and love it. We’re thinking a little B&B in victoria, some whale watching and really good restaurants. but we’re a little on the poor side of life right now…so it might be a road trip down the california coast.
Vancouver is one of my favorite cities! It is also the first place the boy and I ever vacationed together. Love it. We went to a tapas place named Bin941 that nearly made me cry with joy.
We’ve had to scrap our original honeymoon plans (Greece. Boo.) but are now looking at Bali or Thailand if we can pull it off with miles.
Ok for those of you with Hawaii experience – help me out with where to even start! We know nothing! We are not set on a specific island and we have nearly 2 weeks so could move around and visit a couple. For at least a portion of it, we want to rent a car and have a bit of a road trip experience. We want to actually DO stuff (rather than sit on a beach) and are up for some adventurous stuff, we enjoy good food, and are happy to stay in more basic accomodations if they are somewhere totally cool. If anywhere jumps to mind or you have any must-do ideas, I’d love to hear them!
For around Vancouver, here are a few ideas to look into:
– Granville Island: full of beautiful shops and great artists (just had my wedding ring made there). From downtown, take the little ferry boat there and then also walk along the seawall that extends east of the “island” all the way to the olympic athletes village (admitted bias: I live along this route and looooove to show off this area)
-rent kayaks at English Bay (ecomarine kayaks) and kayak in False Creek for a cool view of the city, the bridges, boats and the occasional seal or go to Deep Cove for a more “nature-y” kayak trip. Kayaking is totally easy even if you’ve never done it before (though stick to the False Creek area if you’re nervous, it’s calmer)
-instead of the highly hyped Capilano Suspension Bridge, check out the Lynn Canyon suspension bridge. Free, much less busy, and you can watch local crazies jump off cliffs into the canyon.
-for whale watching without going to Vancouver Island go to Steveston and do a tour
-some good restaurants – a bit upscale: Tomato Cafe, Boathouse in English Bay, Raincity Grill and Vij’s indian restaurant. more casual: Wicklow Public House in False Creek, The Eatery (fun sushi), and the Copper Tank.
Outside of Vancouver look into:
-about 5h drive – Naramata. A collection of GREAT wineries. you could spend a week here easily, or go for a night and visit a few.
-about 2h drive/bus – Whistler. probably enough said. nice but expensive. you can hike/take the cross peak chair/bungee jump/zip line during the day and dance/eat yummy food/drink at night
-about 1.5h drive – Harrison Hot Springs, a good place for an indulgent night or two. stay in the “Harrison Hot Springs Resort & Spa” – soak in their hot springs, have a massage, eat at their restaurant, wander around the lake, maybe rent a paddle boat (though the lake is always pretty cold). Otherwise there is really nothing to do, which is exactly what you want sometimes.
If you have questions or answers: (hopefully this doesn’t attract spam robots) nina dot clark at gmail dot com
Sometimes pressing zero doesn’t help. And then I want to kill someone.
It’s true, pressing 0 doesn’t always help, but often mashing a crapton of numbers does. Over and over. Also try “representative.”
Jessie — Yeah, the money thing is definitely hard. I wouldn’t mind spending a few nights semi-camping or something just to help balance the budget. The CA coast is awesome too, but I hope Vancouver works out for you guys.
kc — OOH! Thailand! I want to go there too. I’ll have to check out Bin941 in Vancouver, thanks for the tip.
Nina — Wow, thanks for all the tips! These are really great. I’m going to email you our Hawaii ideas if the beau doesn’t write back first.
Wow Nina, that was very helpful, thank you.
I’ve visited Hawaii a couple of times and Maui is my favorite island. It is good mix between beautiful and quiet but with all the conveniences. Kihei is a cool little town. The beaches down the road toward the Maui Prince Hotel are absolutely AMAZING with good snorkeling. Check out the bamboo hike, it isn’t easy but a lot of fun.
If you are looking for something seclusive, I’ve heard good things about Lanai Island.
Kauai is a lush, green, gorgeous island with great hiking too but more likely to rain.
Have a great time!
All airlines pretty much suck these days. Just WAIT until you go though the name change thing regarding your frequent flier stuff. I had to send them more stuff than I did the freakin’ Social Security Administration. I am not kidding.