First of all, can I just say that last night I combined my two most-thought-about topics of yesterday, weddings and olympics, into one dream. Yes, the Wedlympics. Details are hazy, but I’m assuming it involved races to see who could make the most beauteous centerpieces in the least amount of time, and the like.
I think I just came up with a new reality show.
Also, dude, McDonalds. Do you really expect me to believe that Olympians come cruising by your restaurants after competing for the gold, eager to wolf down a hyper-processed sludge patty with a side of chemicals? On second thought, I guess I can see how those by-products could really help them ramp up their performance. Not to mention they wouldn’t mind hooking up with some of those youthful, trim, attractive people that populate your commercials. Oh yeahhhh.
ANYWAY. Moving on to the actual topic of this post, which is: My life as a Ukrainian mime.
No? Fine. Don’t be surprised when it gets turned into a Lifetime movie special. Carrie Brownstein from Sleater-Kinney will play me.*
OK, OK. You really don’t want to hear about that? I’ll talk about the wedding party instead. Our wedding party.**
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When the beau and I got engaged, I knew immediately who I wanted my brigadiers to be. I’m lucky enough to be close to three stupendous ladies, and I can’t imagine getting married without them by my side.
The beau hasn’t had it nearly as easy. There was a time, a few years ago, when he wouldn’t have hesitated to call on four of his good buddies from college. No doubt in his mind. But after graduation his pals all slowly scattered to points north and south in search of jobs and in hot pursuit of their own relationships. They still love each other and all, but he’s just plain not as tight with these guys anymore — so he’s waffled on making a final decision because he’s not sure it feels right. Cue the sad violin music, right?
We were talking about this the other night, and he was voicing particular concern with having to select a best man from this potential group of four. “Do you have to have a best man?” I asked.
“Well, if I don’t have a best man, who will give a speech?” he wondered.
“Do we have to have people give speeches?” I asked.
You see where this is going. Over the course of this conversation, we proceeded to deconstruct the basic roles of our wedding party and and came to the conclusion that, well, they really don’t have any roles to speak of. At least not in the traditional sense.
Sidebar: Unsurprisingly, The Knot has a glossary of wedding attendants and their respective roles, and I am genuinely flummoxed by the depth and specificity of these duties. Pay for the bachelor party. Escort elderly women. Dance with dateless women. Address invitations. Make favors. Plan the shower. Toast. Dance. Usher. Decorate the getaway car. Adjust the train. Hold the bouquet. Hold the rings. Enforce guest book signing. Dole out money to vendors. The maid/matron of honor even gets the special honor of “… help[ing] the bride get dressed, taking care to frequently remind her that she looks beautiful.”***
Look, I am not actually trying, for once, to mock The Knotness.**** I know these are just examples, and that everyone’s wedding needs are different. But it got me thinking. We’re not walking down an aisle, so we don’t need our peeps to perform the typical paired processional. We don’t even necessarily need them to stand up with us during the ceremony, mostly because the fountain we’re getting married next to is kind of small. And hearing some toasts would be cool, but instead of assigning the task to certain people, we’re leaning towards just having an open mic session during which anybody to come up and talk. I won’t have a train that needs to be adjusted. We won’t have a getaway car. My girls don’t have the money to pay for my shower or bach party. And two of ’em don’t even particularly like to dance.
In fact, outside of holding the rings during the ceremony, and helping us remember where we stashed those envelopes of cash to pay the vendors, I can’t really come up with anything our wedding party really needs to do. These are people I care about, and I don’t want to dump a buttload of expectations and tasks on them. I want them to have fun. And be happy.
This, of course, led us to ask ourselves: If we don’t really need a wedding party, then why have a designated wedding party? Why not just let them be regular guests? What’s the point?
Well, we considered that one for about half a second. The point is, they’re our people. Our chosen family. Even if we may have drifted slightly from some. We still wouldn’t be who we are without them. We want to have them around us all through the day, and we want to recognize and celebrate how much they mean to us. That’s why we want a wedding party. We just… don’t… know… what to do with them.
I feel like I’m tripping balls. I realize this entire thing should be a non-issue. I know we can just do what we want, right? But I’m having a hard time justifying the extravagance of a wedding party when the lack of clearly defined roles precludes the need for one. But we still want it. And I know we can just do what we feel like. But there’s no good reason to have one. It’s a giant circuitous merry-go-round of fuzzy logic. In my brain. Kind of like the Olympic rings, but less colorful.
Are you choosing a wedding party? If so, what are you doing with them?
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* You are SO JELLUS right now.
** I would talk about yours, but I haven’t met them. I hear they are nice people, though. Upstanding citizens. Outside of that one incident at the Krispy Kreme, of course.
*** You hear me, girls??? Feel free to use other adjectives like stunning, gorgeous, breathtaking, and so on.
**** Although just between you and me, if I wanted to, I would point to The Knot’s definition of a Page, which is “Young boys (or girls) aged six through nine who carry the bride’s extra-long wedding gown train (think of Lady Di’s wedding) as she walks down the aisle. Also known as ‘train bearers.'” Bwah? This actually happens outside of royal weddings and fairy tales? I had NO IDEA.
I wouldn’t think of the wedding party as an extravagance for y’all, but as an honor for them. Like you said, they are your chosen family. Since you’re not really obligating them to do all of the expensive rigamarole it is nothing but an honor that you want them to stand up there with you to witness your marriage (as opposed to an honor and a drain on their bank accounts). I say have your best friends as a wedding party, but don’t have a best man or maid of honor so you don’t have to choose, and then do the open mic/toast-at-will thing. Sounds pretty damn awesome to me!
oh, and we have a wedding party with maid of honor and best man (our siblings) and they’re doing pretty standard/traditional things. I won’t have a train to deal with, but there will be a bachelorette sleepover (I’m cool like that) and my fiance’s little bro is coming up with a few bachelor party-esque activities for 2 days before the wedding. They’ll all be wearing the same dresses/tuxes, blah blah… you know the drill. The knot is pretty noots sometimes. A lot of the time.
We’re sort of in the same boat. Together we picked 10 people we love and adore, 5 on each side, which is a huge wedding party for our relatively small guest list (100) but we wanted every last person there because we loved them. Now, they’re constantly asking us if they can do stuff and we keep having to tell them no! I don’t want anyone to go out of their way for our wedding and I’m even trying to save them all some dough by letting them pick out their dresses, etc., so it’s really just a formality to have a wedding party at all. But we love them and want them to feel honored by our choice to include them on our special day and that’s really all that matters.
Btw, I really like your idea of “open mic time.” I think that’s a cool one I may just have to steal 🙂
Agreed. We just gave them the special titles to make them feel special because we love them.
I think as long as most of the traditions around attendants are ignored (having to have the same number, being of the same gender as you, having to match completely, following the prescribed duties of the Knot etc.) they are a great way to honor the people you love. I am having three attendants and my guy is having two. Lovely. But naive me… I had no idea how messy this would get.
Turns out when you’re choosing who to ask it is apparently like drawing a GIANT black line that divides the “special friends who mean a lot to me” from the “friends who I could take or leave.” Or at least that’s what my old best friend decided it meant when I didn’t ask her. It was kind of awful. It really sucks having to “rank” your friends. Oh and the advice to “give them other roles” – well that only works if your friend doesn’t believe in the line. If she does, then that advice backfires: “You don’t want me as a bridesmaid AND you want me to do work??”
I’m not sure how I would do things differently if I had the chance… my friend had a different expectation of our friendship than I did. Period. I now know I made the right choices and I know because when I picture my nervous ass getting ready on the day, those three are the people I see being with me – able to calm me the eff down and make me laugh.
But it sounds like your choices might be pretty simple (and even if they were not, it might still be worth it) so go for it, have a wedding party! It is an honor and for brides like us who don’t subscribe to the Word as written by The Knot, they’ll have fun! And yeah, I see no need to pick an official best man or maid of honor (I think mine will just have the extra roles of holding the rings and signing as the witness on the marriage license)
P.S. awesome dream! I live in Vancouver and the Olympics are really freaken fun (and a great break from obsessive wedding thoughts)
Oh the politics, the honoring, and, the lack-of-taskness. I hear you. We’re having 2 each – my brother, his sister, my bestie, his bestie. They’ll each hold a chuppah pole and done. We also want to give special roles/honor to everyone else who matters, but without the pressure/expectations/cost of a traditional wedding party. Our closest friends doesn’t even live on this half of the country, so with this lower-key approach, there’s no expectation of them planning bachelorettes/bachelor parties, etc. It sounds like you have a good balance there.
We had such a small wedding that a larger wedding party would have been most of the guests! OK, it wasn’t THAT small, but you get my drift.
Yes, you can do whatever the eff you want. It’s your wedding. Make your own traditions.
I like to think of The Martha and The Knot as GUIDES versus rules. Rules no longer exists these days. Do what’s important to you and your honey.